March 28, 2011 at 2:36pm was by far the worst day of my life... Why you ask? Well anyone who knows me, and I mean really knows me... Knows that my mother Dorothy was the closest person in my life... And since that day, the day she died I held my chin up and really just tried to move on cause that's what I am suppose to do right?
Well tonight at 6:00pm a PBS broadcast caught my eye as I flipped through the channels on the television shortly after eating my supper... My wife still at work, my kids at their Aunt and Uncles, just me and a good ol' PBS documentary. I love these types of shows because I always find it interesting to see how other people live, other places in the world... The strange things people did etc... However this time, for the first time in my life the documentary was about me.... No not me specifically but about transplant patients, their families and also the health care providers...
As I watched and related to what the doctors were saying and hearing the families say the very same things I said, even asked the same questions etc... I began to tear up... Finally by about 20 minutes into it I found myself on the floor in my home next to the dog and I was whaling, I thought at one point that someone might hear me and call the police thinking someone in the home was hurt.... I've never cried like that in my entire life...
I miss my mom more than words can describe, and the only thing that could be worse would be to lose any of my immediate family... My mental state would be hard pressed to deal with that so lets just make sure they are safe and sound...
I am so glad that my children were not here to witness the bawling... I love them and their support but I really just felt that it had to happen... I had to let it out, I've been holding it inside since her passing...
I am literally only days away from facing the first Christmas in 39 years without my mother... It's tearing me up inside and I hope I won't once again be reduced to a quivering mass of bawling old guy thinking about it... My wife's mother is visiting for Christmas and I am happy that she is in town, but at the same time, her being here continuously reminds me that my mother is not here... Not at all her fault, just circumstantial.
Anyhow I just wanted to let that out, the part about being a whimpering baby that is... I've also been avoiding writing a letter of thanks to all the nurses etc at the hospital that cared for my mom... I think in the early new year I will have to put pen to paper... Errrr.. I mean carbon contact to copper and type out the message... It may even help me to feel better about losing the lady who gave me life, who raised me and might I say that most gentle and respectful lady I have ever known...
That's all for now...
No comments:
Post a Comment