A year ago today you left me Mommy...  You missed my 40th birthday, and the cat having kittens in the wall of our house.  Your cockateil bird Robbie finally passed away after an amazing 35 years of life... I'm sure you already know about him cause he would have flown into your arms immediately,  other than that things are pretty much the same around here...

I put a bench for you out front of the house shortly after you left, I even put a small metal plaque that I made for you at work, I do hope you found it and are able to come sit there sometimes as I imagine in my head while walking into the house...

The kids are growing like mad!!!
  You know my little girl is growing into a beautiful young lady...  I am terrified of that and sure could use your advice... The boys are hanging around her... I do trust her, really I do.. It's the boys I don't trust so if you could help me from wherever you are to fend them off I'd really appreciate the help....  She's a well rounded person, popular, smart... She gets good grades in school and has an attitude like any teenage daughter should...

The boys well lets start with the strong boy... 
  He's the youngest as you know but he's bull headed like his father and seems to hold a lot of anger inside since you left...  It really shook him up, confused him... Yet he's taken a shine to computing and has the best computer on the block... He too is smart, his teachers tell him that all the time, he loves science and got a telescope to look at the heavens...  Perhaps some day he'll look and see you smiling at him...  He is a chip of the ol' block so to speak...  

  And the tall skinny one... Loves the guitar you encouraged him so much on...  he plays it every day and surprises the hell out of me sometimes playing riffs from Nirvana and the blues... Oh the blues, I really enjoy hearing that and I know you would too...  He's not such an angry boy anymore, we communicate as much as possible... I know you always told me to calm down, that it was doing more harm than good...  We cry together sometimes, remembering you with your smile...  We always say how amazed we are that you smiled in the worst of times, couldn't figure it out until now....

And my wife, your adopted daughter...  She misses you undoubtedly as much as I do... This took every bit as much out of her as it did me...  You were her mother, and best friend...  She is always saying... "Mom would like that" or "I accidentally put a plate of food out for mom..."  I hug her sometimes when I'm crying...  I know also that I am crying for her because behind that strong head of hers she's a blithering mess emotionally... 

And me, well... I've really been focusing on my career, recently got a really amazing promotion and love my job!  A rare scenario indeed...  I had decided even before you left that I would do that whole focus on my career thing... My plan was to pick up my heart off the floor and move on, I knew you would leave some day, just thought we had a couple of years more...  The doctors said you would have up to five years after the lung transplant... But they didin't know H1N1 swine flu would steal 3 of them from you...  Neither did I... I just want to hug you so much, I remember the last conversation we had, the night before when you were at the stairs out of breath and barely able to talk...  I said "Momma, lets try to get you out for a walk tomorrow, shake that stuff out of you..."  You replied with a smile and said "ok"...  That moment haunts me...  I feel I should have brought you to the hospital instead, but then I wonder how much time it would have bought... Things had been getting bad for a long time...

My Brother and I rarely speak...  He has helped me so much tho...  I love him so much too but I understand he has a family and is the busiest man alive...  I just wish we communicated more...  I wish things were different between us, that I was more open with his family earlier in life...  I guess all that stuff with Harold affected us more than we could have imagined...

Anyhow, the birds are beginning to chirp outside and I promised myself I'd go listen to them in memory of you... You loved birds so much, they somehow sound so beautiful now that I wake up with a smile when I hear them!

I love you forever Mommy... 
Your son, Don...