One of the things I almost never talk about is how hard it has been to raise a developmentally challenged child. While my string bean has not officially been diagnosed with anything. He has been tested for many things up to and including fragile X syndrome. For which he came back negative in the genetic testing department. I am not even sure where to begin with this except to say that String Bean has always been presented with challenges that my other two kids found easy. I am not sure if my wife and I were in denial but we have tried not to discuss any of the hurdles with others. This it would seem is not a good way to work things out with others who care about you and with String Bean himself, but it is how we handled it and we can only hope that it did not cause more harm than good.
As far as extended family goes we rarely talk about it. I wonder at family functions etc if my family members sense that he is different in some way but I can never be sure because no one speaks to us about it. No one has come to us and said, "Hey Don... Does your oldest boy ummmm... well is he.... Ummmmmm it's just that... well he's pulled his pants down and has a circle of people around him..." I have discussed his behavioral problems with his pediatrician but so far we are kind of spinning our wheels... Meanwhile the teachers keep telling me that he is getting farther and farther behind...
I am quite frustrated.
I love him so very much...
And I really just need to know he will be ok when I'm gone...
So I periodically refer to a dream that I had as a teenager... Yeah that is right, I had a lucid dream as a teenager that stuck in my head all these years... At the time I never understood it. Thought I was a bit nuts for carrying it with me for all these years but let me describe the dream and you will see why it was so eerie to me...
In the dream, I was with some people in a large shopping mall type place, something like Eatons center downtown Calgary with all the glass windows above. One escalator was going up, the other was going down... I do not know who the people were that I was with, nor can I be sure of exactly where I was. As I was going up the escalator I remember carrying a child. Now keep in mind I was only a teenager and this was long before my wife so it had placed me into a bit of a confusion... The child looked and felt normal to me, but as I was going up I remember the people on the other escalator, the one heading down were laughing, pointing and making fun of the child I had in my arms. I felt horrible, it rattled my guts. And when I awoke I just remember feeling so terrible for that child even though I had no idea who this child was.
Today, as I reflect on the many dysfunctions my son has had to deal with including rejection from some of his own Aunts and uncles. I realize that I am feeling that exact same feeling of hurt for him. I am a parent now, and now I understand that strange compassionate pain I felt when I awoke from that dream.
Does the dream really mean anything? Probably not. I was a messed up teenager and probably just felt sorry for myself. Some kind of Freudian message in my head that the shrinks would love to get their hands around...
Anyhow to make a long story even longer... I have a lot to say about mistakes I have made with my son being different from the others. But I can not possibly squeeze it all into one session. Your hour is up, I'll see you at next session...
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